I have found a video online of a panda fucking Little Red Riding Hood.
Now, I'm putting this disclaimer up: if you are a family member, for the love of God and all that is Holy, do not reading any further. Just don't. If you do read any further (and it is perverse if you do), then don't tell me. I don't care if you get drunk at Christmas and are just dying to talk about it, what I am about to divulge is not an appropriate subject to broach over turkey and stuffing...or ever. If you really are that curious about where this is going, just keep it to yourself. Forever.
So, I found this video. Don't ask me what I typed into the search bar to find it, that's between me and my therapist. What is important is the game of chicken that I played with my brain in the seconds after my eyes glazed over it:
BRAIN: Mate...I bet you can't get off on that.
ME: What? Why the fuck would I even try
to you sick bastard!
BRAIN: Firstly, if you don't, you're
always going to wonder 'What if...'.
ME: There are some things that even I
won't do.
BRAIN: Maybe, but this isn't one of
them.
ME: How do you know?
BRAIN: You are currently in the middle of lighting
candles, locking the door and putting an Enya CD on.
ME: Shit. What's the second reason?
BRAIN: I am the boss of you and you are
my bitch. Now GO!
Yes, I clicked the link. No, I am not proud of myself. It wasn't even the usual sort of shame that comes with this sort of extra curricular activity (you know, when you look at the screen, then at your hand, then back at the screen and wonder what the hell went wrong in your life to make Japanese tentacle porn a viable option?) it was more of a 'Oh God...what have I done?! What sort of monster am I?!' Like I had genuinely inflicted damage on someone. Remember that thing that went about a few years ago “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.” well it felt as though I had seen the hand of God come down and muder-kill a kitten in front of it's helpless cat-mum then point at me and tell me it was all my fault just as a solitary diamond tear ran down his cheek.
This feeling soon passed though, at which point I gained enough outside perspective to ask; “Who the hell made this? For what purpose?” and after what must have been minutes of speculation, the very best I could come up with was that a hardcore 'Save The Panda' hippie has become so consumed with his frustration that pandas refuse to fuck each other, that the only way for him to exorcise his demons concerning this was to actually film a big, hulking man panda absolutely devastate the personification of innocence itself, sweet little Red Riding Hood. If you have a better theory, please post it in the comments, because I need to have my faith in humanity restored somehow.
The lesson to take from this ream of
debauchery? FUCK PANDAS. I don't care if you want to take that
literally or metaphorically, but one way or the other, FUCK PANDAS.
They are pointless, stupid animals who get far too much money and
attention when all they want is to die out. Let the pandas fade away
with the little dignity they have left. And no matter what you find
yourself having to delete from your browsing history, there is always
someone who has to delete worse :)
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I would like to swing my considerable critical analysis abilities around like an obnoxious tribesman would his unsheathed phallus. I have spent four years discussing and writing about various narratives and I can therefore comment effectively on the particulars of this pornographic scene.
ReplyDeleteThe history of the Little Red Riding Hood tale is not one of innocence. In early versions of the story she can be seen cannibalising her grandmother, stripping naked to join the wolf in bed and other such debauchery. Modern interpretations of the story, especially when adapted for children, omit these parts. The result is a fairly simple moral tale that states that young innocent girls should not trust strangers. This is why a scene in which a Panda savagely fucks LRRH is so emotionally jarring initially.
The question remains as to why someone would therefore create the possibility of a Panda fucking LRRH. A solution for this conundrum is perhaps that of commodification. If you want to sell a successful adaptation of LRRH to adults, then the eponymous character must be or at least perceived to be attractive. Amanda Seyfried in Red Riding Hood (2011) is an example from film and this gem http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b8/Zenescope1.jpg is an example from comics. She is portrayed as an adult woman with sort of femme fatale qualities. The moral or the tale then shifts from innocent child shouldn't trust strangers to, beautiful women who maintain the facade of innocence should not tempt sexual predators.
The over arching theme is that sex sells. There is an age old misogynistic trope that follows the line of argument that the tease got what was coming to her. LRRH is depicted in a similar if not overly overt fashion. This sort of rapey notion seems to work in terms of shifting cinema tickets, comics, DVDs and in our case porn. The fact that a panda is featured rather than a wolf is probably down to the fact that pandas are popular now. This due to the fact that China are raffling them off to any country with more money than sense. They are also a a playable race in World of Warcraft now.
The Panda fucks LRRH porn scene is therefore a product of two factors. The first is that its creator wished for the scene to appeal to its audience on a primal level. This means that LRRH is made into an adult sex object. The second factor is that wolves are boring and not as edgy or avant-garde as Pandas. The main caveat to consider with regards to all of this is that my analysis is based upon second hand knowledge of the source. Who is to say what embellishment or omission has taken place by virtue of the fact that the narrative of the porn I was exposed to is merely a narrative of someone else's experience with the material . For all we know, the blogger might have been watching a documentary about pandas and we have simply been afforded an insight into the way in which the mind of a very seriously mentally ill man fabricates and develops coping narratives about the sensory stimulus he receives each day.
I've also had to post as anonymous because the fucking website doesn't support Idevices properly. It was either that or break out my AIM name circa 2001.