7 March 2012

Mayonnaise & Adultery

This is going to be on the subject of healthy eating, but I'm not here to bitch and moan about weight because I don't star in Sex In The City (that shows all about worrying how fat a size 8 is, mensturation and Cosmo's...right?)

I am currently attempting to eat healthily though, and for all the usual reasons - to increase my chances of getting laid. We all know that it can be tough to eat soup when everyone else in the room gets a triple-cheeseburger made with kebab meat and folded into a calzone for dinner, but if I cave and get one as well, that's my fault and I accept that. Todays discretion was not my fault.

I went to a deli for lunch, thinking I'll get a treat. I looked at the menu and saw they serve honey mustard chicken, and to me, that sounds like cold meat. I then looked at their display and saw what I thought was some good, wholesome, home-made coleslaw with minimal mayonnaise and loads of veg (I am aware this is not super healthy, but as a treat it's a far cry from a deep-fried Mars bar, so fuck off and stop judging me you hypothetical shit-head.)

I order my honey mustard wholemeal baguette with coleslaw and a black coffee (because milk is the devil supposedly) and this is where shit gets real. I was so shocked by what happened next that I couldn't physically move myself to stop it. All of a sudden, a giant spoon dove into a pit of what should have been labelled 'mayonnaise with a light sprinkling of chicken' and splodged it's catch onto my innocent baguette. Another spoon, maybe the chicken-spoons brother, plowed into a secret-hidden-MI6 tub of coleslaw so full of mayo that the veg was bleached white. Before I knew it, I had payed for what has to be the most unhealthy baguette since the french used them for colonoscopies.

I had to eat it. I will be god-damned before I pay £3 for food and not eat it; however, as you can see, this was not my fault. Suddenly the 'I didn't mean to cheat' excuse holds some weight for me, because if I can accidentally order a crusty egg-flavoured heart attack, then why couldn't they have slipped and fell whilst naked over and over again? All I can say now is "I'll let you off with a warning this time ma'am, but next time check your surroundings."

So now, not only am I chunkier than I was this morning, but any budding spouse of mine gets a free ticket to ride. Screw you local deli. I hope a Subway opens up next door to you and steals all of your business and you end up homeless, giving out handies for cash. So there.

On the plus side, I didn't find any spiders lurking in the spew of dressing waiting to scurry into my stomach...

A slightly chubbier "au revoir" :)


  1. Jump in the Subway across from college. Ma wee woman'll give u a staff discount ;)

  2. I can't go in there, I used to work there and dipped the till on my last shift :s I hate having a Subway so close yet so far :(


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